Your piece strikes a chord with anyone who has ever felt guilty about something that is defined or expected to be a family duty. We have an expectation in America that wanting a break from caregiving is bad, despite research showing that breaks from caregiving are essential for combating compassion fatigue.
I don't entirely agree with your sentence about the lack of connection or expectation between caregiving responsibilities and birth order in America. I generally find in my work and across my personal network that there is an implied expectation for the eldest daughter to take the lead on caregiving arrangement for elderly parents. Like all things, it's not 100% true across the board, especially in families where there are only sons. Or in families where offspring don't live near their parents.
However, I do understand your point about the rigidness of expectations with birth order in Chinese culture. In some ways, life in the US affords a broader interpretation of certain societal expectations. When people subvert norms, it opens discussion around why things are a certain way, and how those expectations impact the people who don't intentionally choose to inherit a specific set of responsibilities.
I appreciate the pushback, and I think you're right to complicate that point. Birth order clearly does carry weight here too.
To clarify what I meant about the eldest son: the duty isn't specific to caregiving, it's broader than that. He's expected to look after the family more generally, carry on the family name, manage major decisions, and step in as the head of the household if something happens to the parents. Caregiving ends up falling under that umbrella, but it's really one piece of a much bigger set of expectations tied to lineage.
Your observation from your profession that caregiving lands on the eldest daughter is valid. I find that the eldest daughter often gets treated as the "responsible one" early on, and that combined with the broader expectation that women are the default caregivers seems to funnel the role toward her specifically.
Many of the things you wrote about are similar to Filipino culture. As my family’s been in the US for a long time, most of those expectations have been forgotten. But now that I’m doing my “living in the Philippines” experiment, I’m constantly reminded of these values and expectations that create internal conflict within me. I loved reading how you’re thinking about things…
A lot of Asian cultures share these same threads, even when they show up differently across countries.
It's interesting that you're rediscovering them through your time in the Philippines, almost like the expectations were dormant.
For me, my parents and their siblings were the first generation to leave China, and growing up in America, I didn't fully understand a lot of these cultural expectations. It's really only as an adult, trying to actually get to know my parents and build a real relationship with them, that understanding those values and practices has started to feel important. As a way of understanding where they're actually coming from and their thought process on certain decisions.
I get that. The unvoiced duties and expectations and even the verbal ones come with weight. It's taken me time to realize that seeing my brother as the "favorite" because he's a boy, came with its own responsibilities too. I'm the oldest, without children, so I expect and I don't mind that the care of my mom falls on me. We've discussed this ages ago. What I will mind is whenever (if ever) these decisions are not something we jointly shoulder.
But this is all part of the anticipating and planning for the unknown.
I completely agree. The instinct to just handle it themselves rather than ask for help. It makes it harder to actually be there for them, since the burden usually only becomes visible once it's already too much.
It's also interesting that in China, grandparents often take on a huge amount of responsibility raising grandkids
Ah, found you because you found me. So hard, long distance. So hard when they aren't forthcoming. I understand the decisions not being any different because you're the eldest. You'd do the right thing anyway. I couldn't make any other decision than I did, moving Mom in with me when she broke her back. The mistake I made was not insisting she return to assisted living (where she was having a blast, btw) when she was healed. It's been over 8 years and I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. I'm exhausted. Let's stay in touch I might be able to help with some resources for respite care. - Also, The Long Goodbye was the original name of my Substack publication!
Thank you for being so honest here. Eight years in, and still showing up exhausted, that's not nothing, that's real endurance. I hear you on the "mistake" of not insisting on assisted living once she healed, hindsight makes those forks in the road so clear, even though in the moment you were just doing what love asked of you at the time.
I'd genuinely love to stay in touch, and if you're open to sharing any respite care resources down the line, I'd really appreciate it.
In America, I think daughters carry the weight of caregiving for parents. I've seen this play out time and time again. I suppose this makes sense given our patriarchal society. When there are only sons, I'm not sure what happens – I'll find out! – and so will Natasa.
The eldest son tradition actually traces back to imperial succession in China, the eldest inherited responsibility (and power) when an emperor passed, and that logic trickled down into regular families over generations. It's especially strong in places like Ningbo, where my dad's family is from. So it was framed as both duty and honor
I do think what you're describing here is more about gender roles than birth order. Sons aren't really assigned caregiving duty the way daughters seem to be, it's more that women are expected to be the nurturing ones by default. Makes me wonder if it's less about "who's in charge" and more "who's expected to show the care." Either way, I'm curious what happens in son-only families here too.
I love Seinfeld, so I'll take a Seinfeld comparison any day. It reminds me of "The Implant," the double-dipping episode, where George gets called out for breaking a rule of etiquette nobody ever actually says out loud, but everyone's just supposed to know. Eldest son duty felt like that growing up, this expectation that was never explicitly stated, but somehow everyone understood it anyway.
I'm an only child living far from my parents, and so much of this felt familiar. The expectations have always come more from me than from them. Thank you for putting words to something I've been wrestling with.
I'm grateful that I got to travel and backpack in my 20s. Looking back, I don't think that kind of freedom is really something I could pull off now. Even though I have a brother, which I know is a privilege, we're not always on the same page about things.
In some ways, it's its own kind of complicated, just differently than being an only child navigating it alone.
Care giving is a lot of work and a lot of love/care, so it is helpful if there is one more hand to help, there is no guilt in it, I believe. I saw my mom take care of her father in his last 7 years, and I realized it was a lot of work. Any help would be useful. So even your Dad is a giver, and you are the eldest son, having one more hand from a helper is even better, if you can find someone suitable. With Vietnamese community in the US, they would go to the "Vietnamese in LA" or "Vietnamese people in San Diego" and ask about finding help, interviews based on share or reference from those who used the person before, they often find the people who speak the language and at the same time has the specific caring skills there.
That's such a good point, it's the model I wish we had access to here. Where my parents are, the Asian population is pretty small, nothing like the community you'd find in LA or San Diego. So the word-of-mouth, reference-based way of finding caregivers who share the language and know the culture just isn't really available to us.
I finally got my parents to agree to hire a cleaner. Small win, but we'll see if it sticks as something regular. Beyond that, I'm just not as plugged into the Chinese community here in the Boston area as I'd like to be. I was able to find some Chinese-speaking caretakers on care.com, but my dad refused.
Your piece strikes a chord with anyone who has ever felt guilty about something that is defined or expected to be a family duty. We have an expectation in America that wanting a break from caregiving is bad, despite research showing that breaks from caregiving are essential for combating compassion fatigue.
I don't entirely agree with your sentence about the lack of connection or expectation between caregiving responsibilities and birth order in America. I generally find in my work and across my personal network that there is an implied expectation for the eldest daughter to take the lead on caregiving arrangement for elderly parents. Like all things, it's not 100% true across the board, especially in families where there are only sons. Or in families where offspring don't live near their parents.
However, I do understand your point about the rigidness of expectations with birth order in Chinese culture. In some ways, life in the US affords a broader interpretation of certain societal expectations. When people subvert norms, it opens discussion around why things are a certain way, and how those expectations impact the people who don't intentionally choose to inherit a specific set of responsibilities.
I appreciate the pushback, and I think you're right to complicate that point. Birth order clearly does carry weight here too.
To clarify what I meant about the eldest son: the duty isn't specific to caregiving, it's broader than that. He's expected to look after the family more generally, carry on the family name, manage major decisions, and step in as the head of the household if something happens to the parents. Caregiving ends up falling under that umbrella, but it's really one piece of a much bigger set of expectations tied to lineage.
Your observation from your profession that caregiving lands on the eldest daughter is valid. I find that the eldest daughter often gets treated as the "responsible one" early on, and that combined with the broader expectation that women are the default caregivers seems to funnel the role toward her specifically.
Many of the things you wrote about are similar to Filipino culture. As my family’s been in the US for a long time, most of those expectations have been forgotten. But now that I’m doing my “living in the Philippines” experiment, I’m constantly reminded of these values and expectations that create internal conflict within me. I loved reading how you’re thinking about things…
A lot of Asian cultures share these same threads, even when they show up differently across countries.
It's interesting that you're rediscovering them through your time in the Philippines, almost like the expectations were dormant.
For me, my parents and their siblings were the first generation to leave China, and growing up in America, I didn't fully understand a lot of these cultural expectations. It's really only as an adult, trying to actually get to know my parents and build a real relationship with them, that understanding those values and practices has started to feel important. As a way of understanding where they're actually coming from and their thought process on certain decisions.
I get that. The unvoiced duties and expectations and even the verbal ones come with weight. It's taken me time to realize that seeing my brother as the "favorite" because he's a boy, came with its own responsibilities too. I'm the oldest, without children, so I expect and I don't mind that the care of my mom falls on me. We've discussed this ages ago. What I will mind is whenever (if ever) these decisions are not something we jointly shoulder.
But this is all part of the anticipating and planning for the unknown.
Asian parents tend to not want to burden their children. They believe in just doing things themselves.
I completely agree. The instinct to just handle it themselves rather than ask for help. It makes it harder to actually be there for them, since the burden usually only becomes visible once it's already too much.
It's also interesting that in China, grandparents often take on a huge amount of responsibility raising grandkids
Ah, found you because you found me. So hard, long distance. So hard when they aren't forthcoming. I understand the decisions not being any different because you're the eldest. You'd do the right thing anyway. I couldn't make any other decision than I did, moving Mom in with me when she broke her back. The mistake I made was not insisting she return to assisted living (where she was having a blast, btw) when she was healed. It's been over 8 years and I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. I'm exhausted. Let's stay in touch I might be able to help with some resources for respite care. - Also, The Long Goodbye was the original name of my Substack publication!
Thank you for being so honest here. Eight years in, and still showing up exhausted, that's not nothing, that's real endurance. I hear you on the "mistake" of not insisting on assisted living once she healed, hindsight makes those forks in the road so clear, even though in the moment you were just doing what love asked of you at the time.
I'd genuinely love to stay in touch, and if you're open to sharing any respite care resources down the line, I'd really appreciate it.
To the Chinese, being the eldest child means duty and responsibilities; it can feel heavy at times but also an honor that's bestowed upon us by fate.
Fate handing us this responsibility- that's exactly how it feels!
In America, I think daughters carry the weight of caregiving for parents. I've seen this play out time and time again. I suppose this makes sense given our patriarchal society. When there are only sons, I'm not sure what happens – I'll find out! – and so will Natasa.
The eldest son tradition actually traces back to imperial succession in China, the eldest inherited responsibility (and power) when an emperor passed, and that logic trickled down into regular families over generations. It's especially strong in places like Ningbo, where my dad's family is from. So it was framed as both duty and honor
I do think what you're describing here is more about gender roles than birth order. Sons aren't really assigned caregiving duty the way daughters seem to be, it's more that women are expected to be the nurturing ones by default. Makes me wonder if it's less about "who's in charge" and more "who's expected to show the care." Either way, I'm curious what happens in son-only families here too.
I'm sure one of the boys will take care of you!
Yes, I see the distinction you are drawing: birth order versus gender roles.
Gus knows I’m going to need him to push my wheelchair into the sun 🤣
Beautifully written, Ricky. Like a Seinfeld episode, as i engaged with it, I recognized so much.
I love Seinfeld, so I'll take a Seinfeld comparison any day. It reminds me of "The Implant," the double-dipping episode, where George gets called out for breaking a rule of etiquette nobody ever actually says out loud, but everyone's just supposed to know. Eldest son duty felt like that growing up, this expectation that was never explicitly stated, but somehow everyone understood it anyway.
I'm an only child living far from my parents, and so much of this felt familiar. The expectations have always come more from me than from them. Thank you for putting words to something I've been wrestling with.
Thank you for sharing that, it resonates!
I'm grateful that I got to travel and backpack in my 20s. Looking back, I don't think that kind of freedom is really something I could pull off now. Even though I have a brother, which I know is a privilege, we're not always on the same page about things.
In some ways, it's its own kind of complicated, just differently than being an only child navigating it alone.
Care giving is a lot of work and a lot of love/care, so it is helpful if there is one more hand to help, there is no guilt in it, I believe. I saw my mom take care of her father in his last 7 years, and I realized it was a lot of work. Any help would be useful. So even your Dad is a giver, and you are the eldest son, having one more hand from a helper is even better, if you can find someone suitable. With Vietnamese community in the US, they would go to the "Vietnamese in LA" or "Vietnamese people in San Diego" and ask about finding help, interviews based on share or reference from those who used the person before, they often find the people who speak the language and at the same time has the specific caring skills there.
That's such a good point, it's the model I wish we had access to here. Where my parents are, the Asian population is pretty small, nothing like the community you'd find in LA or San Diego. So the word-of-mouth, reference-based way of finding caregivers who share the language and know the culture just isn't really available to us.
I finally got my parents to agree to hire a cleaner. Small win, but we'll see if it sticks as something regular. Beyond that, I'm just not as plugged into the Chinese community here in the Boston area as I'd like to be. I was able to find some Chinese-speaking caretakers on care.com, but my dad refused.